cluster bomb 1

the purpose of this segment is to take you through my daily life, whether i’m happy or sad. i understand how hard it is for people to post depressing content online because we are made to only post the highlight reels of our lives. not the behind the scenes. this is my behind the scene.

so, i start uni in some time, and i don’t even know honestly. i’m just chilling i think. sometimes i wonder how things would be if nothing in my life changed. i think about butterfly effects. but i know that the term what if is very toxic. you can’t escape from the inevitable, why? it’s inevitable. it is going to happen whether you want it to or not, whether you’re ready for it or not. whatever will be, will be. que sera, sera. this is a quote i learned about recently and it is something i’ve been holding on to. i’m thankful though. i just want to be a person who is in tune with their mental health and their spiritual health. i think my iman is low.

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cluster bomb 4

I think I’m at the point of losing hope. I don’t want to. I have no reason to. I have to physically, mentally, and emotionally stop myself from self harming because I’m aware that once it gets to that point then that’s it. I will destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to overcome. I can barely cry because I’m so sad and emotionally drained. I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of myself. I don’t think I deserve anything good in life. I think I should be miserable until I die. Maybe? I should die? I don’t know. I’m sorry to my mom, my friends, and my family for existing. I’ve had a history of self harming, it was when I was younger. I don’t want to get back into that. I think I’m a worthless person who will amount to absolutely nothing in life. I want to disappear. I don’t understand why my mom loves me so much. I think I have failed her. I wish I could be a new person, a different person. I wish I was a better person. I would probably slit my wrists right now but it would break my fast. Ya Allah I have so much self hate in my heart I don’t even know what to do anymore. maybe one day I will.

cluster bomb 3

just when i thought i couldn’t be a worse person than i used to be, i’m beginning to see how much i need to change. i don’t know anything. i’m not good with money,  i still have yet to adult even though i’m past the legal age. i delay prayer. i don’t pray on  time. i am awful to my family. i’m probably the most ungrateful person on earth. even though i have so much to be thankful for. but i always resort to despair and wallowing in my self hatred. i feel like i’ve lost a sense of self, and maybe even purpose. i’m always focusing on the wrong  things. things that aren’t worth my time. it’s like i can’t go a day without wasting my time. the harsh truth is that at times i’m left thinking, am i really doing enough? am i really being the best person i could be? and the harsh answer is no.

cluster bomb 2

tomorrow is may 20, 2018. tomorrow marks one year. one year since my life changed in ways i never thought it would. and things have never been the same. they never will. tomorrow will be one year since my brother passed away. it still makes me cry. my tears are still warm. i am still mourning. the only thing that has changed is that the tears are manageable now. 

Ten Things Death Taught Me

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
Bismillah.

1. It’s not the end of the world.

Everyone’s reaction is different. It’s insane to think about the fact that the person who was alive and full of life yesterday, is not here today. And that could be you next. Our first reaction is usually to think there’s no point of being alive anymore. Some people become sad, that’s a normal reaction. Some become worse than that, they become depressed. Some also contemplate suicide. But the truth is, there’s always the light at the end of the tunnel. Take it from me, I’d like to think I’m quite experienced in the death department. Take it from me, someone who once thought it was the end of the world and there was no point in being alive any longer, who is now just content. It’s going to be okay. You will be okay, and remember God is on your side.

The Struggles of an Ethnic Minority: Mental Health

I love this with a burning passion. A must read.

Momina Ullah

‘What on earth is mental illness?’- a strange concept. It ‘doesn’t exist’, which is the main issue.

It’s one thing to dismiss an illness to prevent the idea of the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. But, dismissing its existence is a whole other story- the main issue within communities of POC (People of Colour).

I’ve had this discussion with many of my friends that are POC. South Asians are slightly similar to Black people in the sense that they are mentally resilient. If we take our parents as an example they’ve been raised with a fixed mindset, ‘deal with the issue’. You’ll see a lot of our elders they manage tragedies and difficult situations with so much resilience because of how they’ve been raised. Obviously, you would have people amongst our elders that suffer mental illnesses and unfortunately they would be disregarded, or undermined and labelled ‘crazy’. But, I’m comparing the elder generation raised…

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The Grass

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
Bismillah.

22. Some faces, that Day, will be shining and radiant.

23. Looking at their Lord.

• Surah Al Qiyamah.

It’s Okay

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Bismillah.

I am sitting on my bed, listening to a youtube video. Suddenly, it hits me, I am a failure. I have not done anything to help anyone, I have never inspired anyone, I have never made anyone feel loved, or appreciated. Surely, I understand what it feels like to be damaged. So I want to help a damaged person, with all that I know and the little wisdom that I have. There are times when I look at my friends, and I see that they are way ahead of me, even though I am older than them, I’m still behind. I can’t stop myself from comparing my achievements to theirs.

April 29, 2017

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Bismillah. 

Dear God, I do not know. All I can say is that I ask for your forgiveness and only your forgiveness. Please strengthen me as a woman, as a human being, and as a Muslim. Strengthen me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Make me a better person. Make things clearer to me. Make me closer to you. Make me closer to my salah. Make me reach Ramadan. Please help me. I am sorry for failing myself, for failing my nafs, for failing my loved ones, for failing my religion, and most importantly for failing my You. I need to do better. I keep on saying I will do better but I need to try. Send good my way, send me people to heal, people to help. Let my words and actions be heard. Make affairs of the Muslimeen easier for them. Anyone reading this, I hope Allah heals your wounds, I hope you overcome your struggles. Remember, struggles do not define us, we are who we become after our struggles, how we react to it is what defines us.