just when i thought i couldn’t be a worse person than i used to be, i’m beginning to see how much i need to change. i don’t know anything. i’m not good with money, i still have yet to adult even though i’m past the legal age. i delay prayer. i don’t pray on time. i am awful to my family. i’m probably the most ungrateful person on earth. even though i have so much to be thankful for. but i always resort to despair and wallowing in my self hatred. i feel like i’ve lost a sense of self, and maybe even purpose. i’m always focusing on the wrong things. things that aren’t worth my time. it’s like i can’t go a day without wasting my time. the harsh truth is that at times i’m left thinking, am i really doing enough? am i really being the best person i could be? and the harsh answer is no.
i don’t even want to think about my state if i were to die right now. i can’t put the blame on shaitan because i know for a fact that everything i do is always my fault. i’m the architect of my own misfortunes. usually when i feel like this, i always call my mom but this time i can’t. i’m too angry at myself to call her, or talk to her. i think the first quarter of the year was okay but now that we are entering the middle months my life is just going downhill. i wish i was like my peers. i wish i made good choices. the room is loud yet i can hear my own tears. i think that if my dad and my brother were alive, they would be disappointed in me. i’m not even saying that because i’m having a bad depressive episode or anything, that is the real truth. they would be disappointed. not only have i wronged God, i’ve wronged islam, i, ladies and gents, have wronged myself yet again. and maybe it’s a good thing that they’re not alive. maybe God was saving them from me, from the failure i am growing up to be. i think my mom is disappointed in me. no. i know. i know she’s disappointed in me. i wish i was radiating with nur and iman and positivity and love and peace and happiness. i pray to Allah that i do one day. and I ask Allah to help me change my ways. Ya Allah, forgive me for wronging myself and every thing.
theblackslim 